Shatter Me
by YaoiFanGirl1990
Summary: Allen feels alone and a dark secret he carries is about to come out cause of Lavi. Can he escape to be alone or will his secret catch up to him?


**Shatter Me**

_Hey everyone, well I am taking a break from Strawberry Gashes for a sec until Sharva and I can get with one another to figure out the next four chapters which is the second turning point in that story. But yea I am doing a one shot this time, and I don't do these much, I like reading one shots but sometimes I wish for them to be longer. But anyways let's give this one shot a go and most likely…It'll turn into a multi chapter. Nyah! ^_^ Oh and once again this is in Allens POV._

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I lay on my bed starring up at the ceiling above listening to the heavy rain pelt outside against my window. Things have been quite boring, none of us have been sent of any missions to search for innocence, but that's probably because everything has gone quiet and no rumors have been going around. Occasionally I would be dragged into the world of dreams by Road and we'd surprisingly have a normal conversation. The first few times we'd fight…well I'd do the fighting and she'd just mess around with me pressing my buttons. I figured out the reason everything is on hold was because most of the Noah's were arguing amongst themselves and were becoming decided. Road was really sad about her family dividing and leaving her alone, I had told her I knew how she felt. It's been a month since the last time she had dragged me into that dream world. My mind new the inevitable has happened and that Road was probably alone and sad. Sitting up I hug my knees to me and let out a sigh, the Fourteenth went quiet a year ago and I was slowly beginning to feel his presence less and less. Road said something about that might happening. I wandered to myself if the battle was coming to a peaceful end, not peaceful as a truce, but peaceful as in the Earl is deciding to go quiet for an unknown state of time.

I burry my face into my legs listening to the thunder outside trying to shack this overwhelming feeling of depression, but I tend to remind myself of how alone I was now. Lenalee and Lavi have started to date, much to everyone's dismay when Komui sends a Sir Komlin after the red head. Usually I was the one getting caught up in the mess and landing in the infirmary, but it was usually my fault for always being caught up in my own thoughts and not paying attention to my surroundings. That leads to another thing on my mind, the thought of him, the days where I spend in the shadows just to watch him. Yu Kanda, one the most perfect people that I knew and maybe one of the most hard to get along with as well. There was another side of Kanda though, a side no one knew about and this side of him I unfortunately knew about from always spying on him. His soft, loving and kind side that no one has ever been given the chance to see; but I have, I have seen it and if he knew he'd most likely kill me. When it's late at night or early morning when no one should be awake Kanda is out in the woods back behind the order spending time with a family of wolves. He helps take care of them, shows them affection, gives them that loving smile. He does things I wish I could have. Love, something I haven't been given since Mana died. Lifting my head up I look out the window in time for a bolt of lightning to light up my pitch black dark room. I jump at the sound of someone banging onto my door loudly and just stare at the door with blank eyes before taking in a silent big breath putting on that fake happy smile and happy eyes getting up opening the door.

"Hey Allen….what's u….Why are you sitting in dark?" Lavi asks his hyperness immediately vanishing when he notices the light off in my room. I simply don't answer and vaguely look back into the room not knowing it was a bad thing.

"Allen…are you alright? You've kind of distant as of late. It isn't the fourteenth is it?" He asks and I find myself looking back at him and just shacking my head.

"No like I said in the last meeting, his presence is almost completely gone. I'll be old Allen soon." I say closing the door behind me leaning against it as I now stood out in the hallway. The Usagi kept starring into the room and it just made me uncomfortable.

"You're not cutting again are you?" He then asks and I just fall silent starring down at my feet unmoving my eyes going blank once again. Lavi was one of the very few I couldn't lie to, especially the day when he found out.

"I never stopped to begin with Lavi, it's not something I want to stop. I'm not going to kill myself if you're worried about that. It helps with the depression and I would rather not talk about it cause I know how you get when we do. I don't want you yelling at me." I explain and I find myself involuntarily flinching when your hands presses down onto my shoulder. I know I just said something stupid and I can't look up knowing your visible green eye would be full of disappointment.

"Allen…" He says his voice laced with anger and I knew the yelling was about to come on, without thinking I get out of the grip on my shoulder and bolt down the hallway ignoring the scream of my name. Thunder roared outside and the lightning lit up the hallways. I hurry my careful steps down the stairs of the order jumping the last few taking the back entrance into the woods feeling myself immediately soaked from the pouring down rain. I guess Lavi had chased me because I hear him screaming to come back, but I knew he'd go get someone instead of running out in the ran after me. My legs stung from the pain running so fast, my lungs burned from the need to stop and take a breather, but I didn't stop I kept going. I continued running until my foot snags onto and uprooted tree root and I am sent into the muddy ground below me. Rolling over onto my back I stare up at the dark sky above me the rain falling down around me. I feel the mud get washed off of my face. After a moment I realize why Lavi had asked if I had started cutting again. I was stupid to not throw on a jacket to cover my arms before answering my bedroom door. I lifted my arm into the air starring at the scars that lined up it clenching my teeth tight together hating what they looked like but that only added more urge, that only poured more fuel into my depression. Rolling back over I forced myself to my feet and began walking again no destination in mind. I knew others would be coming and that was the last thing I wanted, especially if Kanda was among them.

"Why am I such a fucking monster?! Why did all those people have to be right?!" I growl to myself slumping against a tree when my legs begin shacking from over use and I wrap my arms around myself to keep myself warm. The rain fell even harder and the lightning ceased but the thunder didn't. I realize though the reason everything went black was from my eyes being closed.

"Moyashi!" My eyes snap open at the sound of the voice to the last person that I wanted to see me.

"Thank god Kanda you found him!" Lavi's voice soon followed and the fear in my chest constricted and bolt of energy I had no idea where it came from coursed through me and I began running again. Shouts of my name being heard once again and I just wanted to get away from them, I wanted to disappear. I was a monster and they should let the monster I was die out here in the storm. I didn't know where I was running to nor did I care. Fucking Lavi had to go and get you Kanda, he for one knew of the crush I had one you and he for one knew you were the last person I'd ever want to find out about my self-harming addiction. I turn sharply on the trail I was one letting out a yelp when foot slipped over the edge of the hill and I went tumbling and sliding down it landing in a large puddle with a splash. Pained coursed through me completely and I forced myself to quickly get back to my feet when I hear you yell out my name and I know you are not far behind me. Of course you'd be close behind, you're the only one capable of keeping up with my speed. I cry out in pain and fall to the ground my head connecting with a rock, a sheering pain shooting from ankle through my leg. I lift my head up to see everything spinning but I refused to give up and be caught. I only get up to my hands and knees, because when I try to plant my feet on the ground they slip and I am laying face first in the ground. I roll to my side curling up and bringing my arms to my chest trying to hide them. The numb feeling finally appears and I can't help as the tears fall mixing with the rain.

"Baka Moyashi are you fucking mental?!" You scream at me pulling your jacket off and wrapping me in it lifting me into your arms. Just like the perfect person you are you easily get back up the hill where Lavi is waiting. I don't say anything and just stare up at the sky above us.

"His head is bleeding badly Kanda we need to get him back and to the infirmary." Lavi says as they begin to run back to The Black Order.

"No shit Baka Usagi, his ankle is probably broken to since he was unable to get back up. What did you do to piss him off?!" Kanda snapped at the one eyed red head who didn't reply because we were already back to the order where people had gathered at the door I had ran out of. I gripped onto Kanda's jacket tightly keeping it firmly wrapped around me; it was my only protection of anyone seeing the scars. I was thankful for Kanda not lingering and answering anyone's questions and kept moving until we reached the infirmary where the head nurse and Komui waited.

"Oh my Allen! Place him on the bed Kanda." The elderly woman said motioning to an empty bed. The moment you sat me down on it you attempted to take your jacket but I subconsciously tightened my grip on it. My silvery white hair was hiding my face as I kept it down.

"Allen…I need my jacket back." You said in a warning tone and I feel myself begin to shack as I draw my knees up to my chest ignoring the pain coursing through my leg. I knew this was it, this was when you would find out and there would never be chance for us, even though there never was one to begin with. I wanted to hold onto the secret for as long as I could.

"Allen we need to assess the damage let the jacket go." I heard Komui said red began to blur the vision in my right eyes and I knew the bleeding in my head was getting worst. I saw the sedation drug in Komui's hand and I refused to have myself go under the blackness of sedation. I finally released the jacket but I kept my arm hidden from my knees drawn up.

"Allen cooperate or they will sedate you let us see all the damage!" You tell me throwing your jacket to the floor somewhere and I couldn't help the whimper that escaped when I bit my lip feeling the hot tears course down my cheeks again.

"It's only my head and ankle!" I say the cracking of my voice from the sobs that wanted to come out.

"Then why are you hiding your arm?" It was that moment I felt like hurting Lavi when his voice broke through and I knew he knew damn well why.

"Lavi you're not helping get out!" You yell at him but he didn't move and I knew this was what you meant when you first found out. When you told me to stop or you'd force help upon me. The chocked sob finally breaks through as everything is becoming dizzy from the blood lose.

"Why are you doing this to me Lavi? Why everything would have been fine you left it alone like I told you to!" I cry feeling a wave of coldness rush through me. Komui comes closer and I flinch away knowing what was about to come. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to sleep.

"Kanda…hold him please." He said sullenly and my eyes widen. The moment you wrap your arms around me to hold me down I begin to immediately fight back the fear of anyone seeing the scars far from my mind.

"Not the blackness…._Not the blackness!_" I scream out sobbing and trying to get away from the needle as I dug my fingers into my hair which was cacking with blood.

"Komui enough you're fucking making it worst! Get that damn thing away from him NOW!" You scream and I notice your hold around me wasn't to restrain me but protective. After a while I calm down and the head nurse finally is able to stitch up my head you are forced from the room with Lavi and you two fight before it went silent from Lenalee shouting at the two of you to stop. Komui puts my ankle into a splint before wrapping it. In the fuss when I was about to be put under I had subconsciously scratched open some of my scars. They were out in the open and wrapped. No one said anything and I just sat there feeling numb. Soon once Komui and the head nurse is gone Lenalee is the first to run into the room latching her arms around me and I burry my face into her chest unable to stop the sobs that broke through.

"He knows Allen, we all know." Her words don't help and I try to pull away from her, I just wanted to run to my dark room. The only place I felt safe at while in here I am exposed. Her hold only tightens around me holding me in place.

"We want to help you, but you need to let us. I know you'll never trust Lavi again for tonight, but you can trust Kanda and I." She says before releasing me and walking out.

"NO! You've done enough Lavi we're going to go get Allen something to eat, you are not to go near him for the next 24 hourse!" I hear her scream outside the door and soon it's silent again. I reach up rubbing the bandages over the crack in my skull the aching feeling washing through me. After a moment I drop my hand back into my lap and only sit there my breathing becoming fast, I didn't want to start crying again, but the feeling wouldn't go away. My eyes widen when arms snake around me and I feel dip in the bed from someone sitting next to me.

"Why Moyashi? Why did you start doing it?" Your voice is calm and even as always, perfect no faults in it.

"Since the time after the Ark." I say quietly, I couldn't tell him it was from the fear of almost loosing you when we did. I feel your hand on my cheek wiping the tears from my face.

"I didn't ask when…I asked you why did you start? I know when you did it was obvious you started." You explain and I find myself biting my lip my head beginning to look down but your fingers catch my chin forcing me to look up. Our eyes locking with one another.

"When you vanished in the ark, I thought we lost you. I thought I'd never get to see you again." My voice comes out in a strained whisper. "I couldn't take the thought of loosing you." I said breaking the eye contact and adverting my eyes to starring into the bed covers.

"Funny I was thinking the same thing while chasing you tonight." Suddenly I am pulled into her arms again as you hold onto me as tightly as you can.

"You don't want to be in here do you?" You ask and I can only nod my head and I find myself slightly smiling back at the smirk that appeared on your face as you pick me up into your arms and simply walked out ignoring Komui as you walk past him and he tries to protest. When we reach your room you immediately lock the door behind us and I know it's because most likely Lenalee will try to barge in when she finds out I'm not at the infirmary anymore. Laying me onto the bed you climb over me towering over me. Your features so serious as you watch me. Reaching up with my bandaged arm my fingers brush the soft skin of your cheek and push past to your hair tie grabbing the soft white fabric pulling it loose slowly till it freed your hair allowing it to cascade around us like water. As your hair veils our faces from view your lips descend upon me in a heated kiss and I find myself wrapping my arms around your neck as your left arm snakes around my waist behind my back lifting me close to your chest. You kiss my lips hungrily nipping at my bottom lip gently with your teeth demanding for access for; which I grant you eagerly as our tongues plunge into each other's mouths fighting for dominance. I of course loose the battle.

We break apart and we just stare into each other's eyes your free hand cups my cheek as you rest your forehead upon mine your thumb gently rubbing against my skin. I feel my breath speeding up slightly when you gently lay my back fully back down onto the bed your hand pushing to under my gray cotton shirt your fingers dancing along my skin. My face feels like it's flushing as your head descends down to where my neck and shoulder meet. I feel your tongue dance along my skin as I let out a gasp when you begin licking up my neck in one long stride pulling your tongue back into your hot mouth when you reach my ear, your hot breath dancing along the skin when you take my ear lobe between your teeth gently nipping on the skin. A moan escapes lips and I feel my hands move down your chest covered by the skin tight muscle shirt. My hands freeze when they reach your rock solid abdomen my breathing even heavier now. My mind racing hoping that I am not in some dream that will only shatter my world when I wake up from the cruel intentions; I let out a gasp and moan when your fingers lightly flick the nub of my hardening nipple and your teeth release my ear moving closer with your lips until your hot breath engulfs around my ear entirely sending shivers through me.

"Don't stop Mo-Ya-Shi." You say enunciating each syllable to the nickname you have given me.

"I don't want this to be a dream." I breath out heavily and I let out once again another gasp when you pinch the nipple.

"Not a dream Moyashi." You say playfully and once again your lips are upon me and I welcome them my hands moving back down slipping under your shirt and moving them over your waist to your back slightly running my nails over your skin earning a moan from you as your other hands joins under my shirt beginning to push it up exposing my skin to the cold air. I didn't care, I wanted more. You gently pull the shirt off of me careful of my head injury and I do the same with your shirt. Both of us sat up as you are straddling me my head only reaching to the middle of your chest starring into your eyes which starred at me hungrily. I place each of my hands onto your flat well-toned stomach pushing them up your chest up your neck as you begin to descend upon me again, my fingers pushing into your hair as your lips meet my own, my back connecting with the back of the couch again. Our lips move together as our tongues danced the heated tango. Your hand moves down my side as your hips grind into me causing my back to arch from the pleasured feeling coursing through me. Your mouth pulls from mine with an almost silent pop a string of saliva still connecting us until you begin to kiss down my neck nipping and sucking on the skin you move off of me to the spot on the bed directly next to me our bodies still touching. Your hand reaches the elastic band to my cotton sweat pants your hand slipping inside and I let out a moan biting my lip feeling your hand run down my hardening erection.

"K-Kanda." I moan and I feel you smirk against the skin of my neck, your free hand pulling one of my hands out from your hair signaling me on what you want. Pushing myself close to you I run my hand down your now bare chest till I reached the elastic band to your own sweat pants. Shyly pushing my hand inside I feel myself shudder as you grab hold of my own slowly beginning to pump it.

"Mmmm…don't stop…Moyashi." You moan into my ear and my hand moves further down at first down your leg with a feather like touch and I feel the shiver that racks your body. Smirking and push all shyness out I use just my finger tip to run up along your already hard length. You moan my nickname once more into my ear and I grab onto your length also beginning to pump it. Our bodies moved against each other as we would capture each other's lips or you would bite down onto my neck sucking on the skin. You soon pull your hand away just long enough to remove my pants and boxers discarding them from the bed. I copy your movements removing yours as well and I feel your smirk against my neck again. I soon find myself straddling your lap ignoring the short pain that shot through my ankle. Your one arm was wrapped around my waist while your other hand was pushed into my hair gently holding me in place as our lips danced again. I know you are reading my thoughts that I don't care how much this first time hurts, but you still don't want to destroy me as I feel the cool sticky liquid of the lube I had no idea where you grabbed from. You don't take long to prepare me and I find both of your hands on my hips pushing me down your full erect length entering into me.

I throw my head back the wave of pleasure shooting through every one of my limbs like the illuminating lightning outside. We begin to move together and I let out pleasured noises I never thought I was capable of creating. I hesitantly begin to bring up my cursed arm it slightly hovering by your face as my lips hover inches above yours. Even with everything that has happened self-consciousness reigns through me and I begin to drop my arm but your hand catches it finishing the rest of the way to your cheek as your lips crush against mine and the fingers of my other hand push into your hair.

"I don't care anymore Allen, I want all of you cursed or not. Remember the both of us are curse men. By the end of this I want to hear you screaming my name…My given name." Your deep voice says into my ear as your thrusts harden into me and I let out a moan. He begins to speed up his thrusts and he lays me onto my back and clutch onto him my hips moving with his.

"Kan…KAN….da!" I moan out loudly and you bite onto my neck and I know what you're trying to say. The entire time I have known you not once have I ever really called you by your name.

"Hurry Allen…I'm getting close." You say and I can barely control my breathing when I hear you say my name. Everything is spinning and I feel you close and I feel the overwhelming release inside me coming close.

"Kan…" I barely gasp out and soon a wave of pleasure is rushing through me from how hard your thrusts are pounded into me. "….YU!" I scream out holding onto you has hard as I could as I feel you release into me. Both of us are breathing heavily as you slowly pull out of me but you hold a smirk on your face and I could only tell that you weren't done as you begin to kiss down my chest. Your hands running along my sides as you reach my still erect length. I let out a gaspy moan when I feel you take me completely into your mouth your hands pushing my hips down to keep them from bucking. Your head moves slowly up my length and I feel your tongue running up my length. I lifted my bandaged arm up and bite onto my finger as another loud moan escaped me and you continue to move your head sucking on me and licking up me.

"Yu…" I moan out my breathing becoming heavy once more a new feeling building up inside. You don't answer and just continue. My mind is blazing with non-coherent thoughts as like before I feel the wave of pleasure once again screaming out his name before completely collapsing against the bed. My face was flushed and I lay there trying to even out my breathing as I begin to feel the crisp cold air again. I climb up the bed beside me pulling me into your arms and the covers over us. My head is rested on your chest over your heart the sound of its beating lulling me to sleep. The only dream I have is the farewell smiles of Road and the fourteenth before they vanished taking the last of the presence of that forsaken Noah within me with them. In the morning I feel the suns rays on my back slightly warming me. I feel myself still snuggled into you, yours still surrounded around me protectively.

"Thank you…Kanda." I whisper and your arms tighten around me and I know you've been awake before me.

"For what Moyashi?" You ask and I just smile.

"For shattering the glass walls that had me trapped with nowhere to go." I explain and you place a light kiss onto the top of my find.

"Anything for you…my baka Moyashi." You say quietly your cheek resting onto the top of my injured head. Everything was perfect, it was quiet and relaxing. That was until there was a loud banging on his door.

"Kanda you better hope to know the location of Allen or I'm going to flip out on someone he's fucking missing! Lavi and I have been looking all night and Komui just told me to check with you!" Lenalee screamed at the door and I just groan.

"I'm fine Lenalee just trying to relax a bit!" I call out and I hear quietly chuckle. Things are quiet for a bit and I wander if Lenalee was okay as I look to the door.

"Well I'd be damned Lavi…you were right they did like each other. Well its bed time for us you two have fun and use protection!" Lenalee calls and they finally walk off and I could help but begin to laugh, you soon join me.

"I love you Kanda." I say snuggling into you again closing my eyes.

"I love you to Moyashi." I chuckle and we just lie there no care at all we had no plans. There were no missions, nothing to do but stay in our rooms. But at least this time I didn't have dark thoughts haunting me.

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_Well there you have it! Hope you enjoyed it ^_^ please Review I want to know what you guys thought of it. Once again I don't type many one shots but yea. ^_^_


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